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Location: marengo, il, United States

Friday, October 27, 2006

Back to Work Right After This...

At one time I worked hard for my money, but since retirement, that dictum went straight down the toilet. The weather outside feels uncomfortably damp today, yet ideas for new stories are dryer than popcorn farts. Yes, always and forever treading on the verge of smelly lawsuits peopled with stinking sorts and boring torts, I find myself compelled now to lead us into the bathroom where we shall all experience a fresh load of dry humors a kindly friend dumped on me. I have no idea who penned this either. In fact, I don't really care. Furthermore, I now claim the rank thing as my very own. Afrer all, I corrected the typos.

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, follow the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING:

When farting, walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where the smell came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY:

This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE:

This is the fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal, or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK:

When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happend, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH:

The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME:

Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that smell does not exist.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:

This is a colleague who poops at work and is darn proud of it. You will often see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for Out of the Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N.):

A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of the Out of the Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS:

A Safe Haven is a seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR:

This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH:

A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Cough is very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE:

An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will eliminate all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON:

A Watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet. This is also an embarrassing moment. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See Camo-Cough or Courtesy Flush.

HAVANA OMELET:

A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet. Often accompanied by an escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire, or even a Courtesy Flush.

UNCLE TODD:

An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger forever. This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty.

9 Comments:

Blogger The Fractal Cat said...

You forgot to include - The Lockhart.
Which is the name I shall give to that moment when despite all attempts to be alone you are found. And there you are, in the middle of a good strain. Caught between duty and nature. Nature of course winning over. (see The Strain of it all)
I remember with fondness the Irish Staff Nurse in A&E who was fond of saying, 'I can tell you have brown eyes because you are full of shite.'

6:40 PM  
Blogger Harry said...

I knew I would miss some movement.

Ta, Frac.

6:46 PM  
Blogger Gone Away said...

No doubt we have all read the Scotsman's Lament - usually graffiti on the pay bathroom wall (do they still have those?):

Here sit I, broken-hearted
Paid a penny and only farted.

Less common is the case of the Scotsman who writes:

Here sit I, smug as a toad
Got in free and dropped a load...

7:53 PM  
Blogger Janus Torrell said...

well Harry, I can't resist my friend, but it sounds like you really know your shit.

4:57 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

To quote,unquote,Gwen Stefani,"this **** is bananas,b a n a n a s"...you really must be bored to type,classify and organize this ****.I would see into getting another job that is a bit more exciting.

8:34 AM  
Blogger Harry said...

So no one of any importance said I stink.

2:54 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

there's always the S.B.D.(silent but deadly)

5:03 PM  
Blogger Harry said...

Good one!

12:46 AM  
Blogger sweetpea said...

Seems I remember getting this from some major in Fla....ever heard of him ?.......I know your eyes are green......

8:08 AM  

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